So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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