Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?