just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved