i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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