While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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