Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
