Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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