Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
