I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
