i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
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Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
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Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...