Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit