I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now