true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
