WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
