What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
