It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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