He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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