Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
