I cannot find my penis.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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