just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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