No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
the room spins SO much faster in panama
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
