I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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