idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This house was built for laser tag.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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