From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
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Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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