Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
