they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
