I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
