My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
