My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
