i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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