3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
