I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
