life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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