Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
