I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
