all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
