It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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