Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
