Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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