I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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