u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
this boner is exhausting
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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