how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
