Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
