I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
