When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
