Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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