i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
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