Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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