if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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