ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I smell like Dick and happiness
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
