I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
