no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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