Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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