when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish i was in the wii world.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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