We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
