You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house