Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
