I got chris browned last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
