I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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