dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
