her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you had me at cake vodka
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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