the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Come share oat with me in your robe
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
