Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
40s are totally the cure
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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